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When you see me smile,
Always looking joyous,
And full of life,
Don’t think it’s happiness.
There is sorrow deep under.
When you see me here,
Always talking to you,
Staring at your profile,
Don’t think it’s all glitters,
There is a tear somewhere
If you knew the dangers,
Dangers of the heart,
That I pass through,
To make you happy,
Know that I shed tears along.
I may be silent,
I may be absent,
I may be nowhere,
But my heart beams of you,
Yesterday is gone,
Tomorrow is unknown,
Today is almost over,
But my love never changes.
I’m not the best,
But remain the sweet,
For I know the hour of reckoning is nigh!!!
Mama, today I see you have a new man,
He has promised you half of heaven,
He came when you needed love,
And you quickly gave it out, narrowing it to jump between the sheets, on the 14th.
Before you give out your heart,
Don’t forget about me.
If you can’t keep me,
Don’t make me,
Mama, I beg of you.
If you don’t need me,
Don’t use my name,
To torment my future.
If you can’t keep me, mama…
…mama, don’t make me!!!!
Your Unborn Child
I was going about my normal daily routine, eking for my daily bread, when suddenly my phone rang. The number was not saved, but it looked familiar. I could not tell who it was. I tapped the green button. On the other end, was a faint female voice. I couldn’t recognize whose voice was on line, bit it sounded familiar.
“Hello?”, I called.
“Hello”, the voice responded.
“How are you?”
“I’m very fine, thank you.”
A period of silence
“With whom am I speaking?”, I asked.
“My name is Ruth, but you used to call me Ruty.”
Since I did not have her number – I may have deleted it – I was a little bit lost when I was unable to identify her, at first. But as it is, one of my cardinal rule of the thumb is to make a discussion longer especially when talking over the phone to a stranger.
“Ohh!” I quipped. “How have you been?”
“Very fine. And you?”
“Very fine, too. Thank you”
She went silent for a few seconds again.
“George”she began, “I’m happy that I found you. It has been years since we last spoke.”
“Yeah,” I answered. “Many years indeed.”
Ruth, or ‘Ruty’ was a special part of my life. She was a voluptuous woman, friendly and approachable. Her attitude struck out from the many women that I interacted with. Her personality was exceptional. She rarely used make-up, something which made her naturally beautiful. There is no negative word, under the sun, which I could use to describe her. Everything she did was done to perfection. I feared approaching her because she looked very tough. However, one day I gained courage and strength. I was able to talk to her fearlessly, at least from the outside. Deep inside, I was trembling to the core.
We started dating almost immediately. We were in the same university, but studying different courses. I was doing Computer Sciences and she was studying Business Administration. We started meeting frequently at school during free times. In the evening outside the school hours, we would meet for a cup of coffee. It was through these numerous meetings that we came to know much about each other. We talked about our lives, desires, dreams, fears, weaknesses and strengths. This, coupled with a few moments of cuddling, made our love bond strongly. I cannot say that our love was infatuation; it certainly came from the deepest part of our hearts – so I thought.
I am the kind of a person who loves with my heart fully. I do not believe that I can give love in portions and expect a different return of the same.
“George, dear, do you remember how much you loved me?”
“But of course I do. You were also exceptional, in that field. I wish we could redo time again.”
“Me, too. But…”
“…but you were a very shy man. You didn’t like walking with me, holding me hands.”
I laughed off, and as a man, argued that I was not shy, but playing a slow act.
We laughed our heads out, until she stopped laughing and began coughing. I quickly thought that she was exhausted from the laughter, and the memories of our past.
“When I think of you…”, she began “I see a missed opportunity. I’m sure we would be a happy couple, with two or three children.”
My mind raced back and forth. I was already a married man, with three children. I wondered whether she was aware about it or wanted us to rekindle the lost love.
Before I could respond, she continued:
“…instead of a family, I’m wallowing in regrets of a wasted life, experimenting with all sorts of careless opportunities at my disposal.”
When had parted ways three years before. Her reason for breaking our relationship, she claimed, was the indifference between the two of us. She pointed out that the disconnect between us could not be undone, hence the reason for cutting our links. I was bitter at her assertions. My ego, image and reputation were hurt. I recalled the numerous ecstatic nights we shared, the future dreams and aspirations. We were a team, whose winning was assured.
When I came to know her better, she was already a single mom of two – a boy and a a girl – from two different fathers. Her story resonated the challenges facing young girls who get involved with selfish men whose intent is to lure the unsuspecting woman into a dishonest and untruthful relationship. I talked to her about my desire to make her feel like a woman again. Our chemistry reacted tangling us together. I assured her that her two children would be mine because I was fond of children.
“No, Ruty, there is no need to look at the past with regrets. You have a whole future ahead. Your children need you more than ever, isn’t it?”
“George, you’re a truthful man. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to your advice. You stood by me in all ways. You were love was the best. You supported my children as though they were yours, and even made me feel like a worthy woman.”
I kept silent before she continued.
“Right now, my dear, I’m hospitalized and this year, I’m told, will breath my last.”
I was about to talk back, when she added.
“…but you were a clever man whom I thought was shy. Little did I know you were playing your calculations well. Had it not been for that we’d be facing the same fate.”
With those words, she started sobbing before she disconnected the call.
I’m so much wriggling my heart out,
With an anticipated but anxious hope,
Faced by the bizzare circumstances of life.
Why is it sweet to love absolutely and earn an ache?
I see the dawn from far,
Coming down upon me,
Shouting with a beaming hope.
The injuries from the gone luck,
Can never be forgotten.
My bruises remain a mark,
A mark of the journey I passed,
When trying to dog love.
They will forever remain,
Deeply ingrained in my heart.
The evening cold breeze blew swiftly
Gazing at me curiously, with pity
I had stopped crying
Not because I wanted to
But because I was all tired
The whole journey had been a sham… hopeless and an indignant imagination
The moment I started walking, in the path of love
I knew it would end somewhere, positively
Little did it occur that as I was preparing the way
Some uninvited guest pitched tent, in my absence
And stole her heart and heat from me
Without leaving a mark
When I came back…there were marks alright
But it could be wind…or just hers
So no need to inter’ogate
Or trail their origin and end
One morn, with my journey attire
Started off for the daily trips
And bid her fare well
I took the sharp corner
And off, I disappeared.
Then hid in the nearest embankment
Waiting for my replacement
Moments later, a heavy built short same-as-me kind appeared
And made it to my shack
I waited, waited and waited
Until I gave up
And finally rose
For the event
I crept slowly holding my breath for long
Waiting for the moment to set
Like a charged bull I jumped in
The same-as-me kind and my-other-half
Were humping, sighing and whining
Where I had tried and failed
Begged and got hit
Cried for and got insulted
Forced but found a manned road block
I became like an inebriated
And held the same-as-me-kind from behind
Only to see that he was my father!
Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins. So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee.
Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.
Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. (Psalms 73:21-26)
It’s past three in the morning.
Sleep has evaded me.
I’ve just come from a moment with God. My heart is heavy. My mind has lost direction. I’ve asked God to give me strength for it seems I’m all but lost. I know God hears the plight of HIS servant, and will answer at the right time. My faith hasn’t ceased. But at this moment, I’m at the lowest point.
My heart is so heavy as thus:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ” (Matthew 11:28).
I can’t really tell why I’m so feeling this.
Could it be something inside which has now burst open? Or I’m just anxious. But why?
I’m alone in a world of confusion, treachery, lies, empty and broken promises, because men have chosen that cause.
I’m in it
And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt”(Matthew 26:39).
I trust upon God to give me strength for HE is my shield and my refuge, whom I trust upon to deliver my heavy yoke from my neck.
At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes.
Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight.
All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 25-30).
I seek peace at the moment.