I’m so much wriggling my heart out,
With an anticipated but anxious hope,
Faced by the bizzare circumstances of life.
Why is it sweet to love absolutely and earn an ache?
I see the dawn from far,
Coming down upon me,
Shouting with a beaming hope.
The injuries from the gone luck,
Can never be forgotten.
My bruises remain a mark,
A mark of the journey I passed,
When trying to dog love.
They will forever remain,
Deeply ingrained in my heart.
The evening cold breeze blew swiftly
Gazing at me curiously, with pity
I had stopped crying
Not because I wanted to
But because I was all tired
The whole journey had been a sham… hopeless and an indignant imagination
The moment I started walking, in the path of love
I knew it would end somewhere, positively
Little did it occur that as I was preparing the way
Some uninvited guest pitched tent, in my absence
And stole her heart and heat from me
Without leaving a mark
When I came back…there were marks alright
But it could be wind…or just hers
So no need to inter’ogate
Or trail their origin and end
One morn, with my journey attire
Started off for the daily trips
And bid her fare well
I took the sharp corner
And off, I disappeared.
Then hid in the nearest embankment
Waiting for my replacement
Moments later, a heavy built short same-as-me kind appeared
And made it to my shack
I waited, waited and waited
Until I gave up
And finally rose
For the event
I crept slowly holding my breath for long
Waiting for the moment to set
And then
Like a charged bull I jumped in
The same-as-me kind and my-other-half
Were humping, sighing and whining
Where I had tried and failed
Begged and got hit
Cried for and got insulted
Forced but found a manned road block
I became like an inebriated
And held the same-as-me-kind from behind
Only to see that he was my father!
Thus my heart was grieved, and I was pricked in my reins. So foolish was I, and ignorant: I was as a beast before thee.
Nevertheless I am continually with thee: thou hast holden me by my right hand.
Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.
My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. (Psalms 73:21-26)
It’s past three in the morning.
Sleep has evaded me.
I’ve just come from a moment with God. My heart is heavy. My mind has lost direction. I’ve asked God to give me strength for it seems I’m all but lost. I know God hears the plight of HIS servant, and will answer at the right time. My faith hasn’t ceased. But at this moment, I’m at the lowest point.
My heart is so heavy as thus:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ” (Matthew 11:28).
I can’t really tell why I’m so feeling this.
Could it be something inside which has now burst open? Or I’m just anxious. But why?
I’m alone in a world of confusion, treachery, lies, empty and broken promises, because men have chosen that cause.
It began
I’m in it
And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt”(Matthew 26:39).
I trust upon God to give me strength for HE is my shield and my refuge, whom I trust upon to deliver my heavy yoke from my neck.
At that time Jesus answered and said, I thank thee, O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because thou hast hid these things from the wise and prudent, and hast revealed them unto babes.
Even so, Father: for so it seemed good in thy sight.
All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 25-30).
I seek peace at the moment.
My name is Nancy, but friends just call me Nan. I’m 22 years old, but all my life, it looks like I have lived well beyond 50! I do not know whether it is because of being a girl or that fate has a way of doing things.
I come from a family of six – four boys and two girls. Being the first born child, there are a lot of expectations from my parents, siblings and the general society. One mistake, especially from me, could mess a great relationship with everybody. I had to live an extra cautious life by wearing a mask that does not befit my face.
My journey has been full of guilt, pain, hatred, betrayal, disillusionment, mistrust, hope and faith all which have built me, given me a new dimension in life and given me a new insight towards what is expected of me.
All these, are what have made the story of my life sail through… and this is not the end, but just beginning.
* * * * * * *
My story … so far
Antoinette stood at the doorway. She clasped her left hand and bit her lower lip. All her life, actually in 20 years that she has lived in this world, she never enjoyed love, at least from her family. Her life was full of omen – a bad luck that either she was born with or it existed in her family – so she thought. She could not understand how her once serene family turned into a Tower of Babel.
* * * * *
When Antoinette started knowing who she was, her father and mother – Paulos and Penina – were readily available to attending to the family needs. They always were available when needed, and offered counsel to the family. Their presence, as the heads of the house, meant love flowed.
As the rest of her siblings came to the world, the family bond grew stronger.
* * * * *
In the whole of Kiamutu village, the family of Paulos was the most respected. The moral decay in most families was missing; maybe because Paulos was a pastor and an elder in the local church and a strict father. He brought his family in the most upright manner that was guided by the Biblical principles. Anyone who deviated from these teachings was lectured until sense got in their head. Unless it was necessarily unavoidable, a sjambok was used every night for weeks, ‘to straighten things out on a hardened young sinner’s head and soul to turn to Christ.’ That is how his children grew up knowing God. Their daily routine involved school on Mondays to Fridays and Church every Sunday sometimes on Saturdays for vigil. Penina was a much respected woman because she ‘brought up her children in the right manner’ that was lacking in almost all families in the neighbourhood.
During women conventions, she was always consulted on what the rest of the group should do. Her decisions were taken as the ultimate because they came from the role model in the village. Most women encouraged their children to play with Annette and her siblings because they ‘were the only children who had something in between their heads.’
When someone praises you much, don’t be too proud, it might be a sign of your downfall.
* * * * *
Antoinette was a charming girl, full of life always looking happy and accommodative. She was a resplendent of her mother – the forehead, blown cheeks, round face and even her walking style. At the age of 17, her once bright life turned darker. She has kept this secret for over four years. Although she tried to erase that dark blanket, it does seem to have permanently grown in her. Her memory wishes the day never happened but fate has other plans.
It was on 12th January when she was turning 18 that all she had aspired come to a halting end. She was looking forward to a beaming future, with hope.
She was a student at Mtini Secondary School a girls’ only boarding school situated about 20 kilometres away from Kiamutu Village. Mostly she would be taken by her father half way then she progresses with the rest of her journey by herself.
It was during one of these days after her father left her at the bus station and he left for his preaching mission. Since he was getting late and he needed to catch a bus for his mission, he did not bother accompany his daughter to the bus stop. As Antoinette was heading to board the bus to the school, she bumped to her teacher, Mr. Kariuki who was doing some purchases before heading to the school.
“How are you sir?” she started.
“I’m fine, thank you.”
“Where are you coming from?”
“Home sir,”
“…heading to school?”
“Yes sir.”
“Okay,” he continued, “We can go together in my car.”
She just kept quiet and followed him, and they headed to the restaurant for lunch. After all, she was to report at five and it was still early in the day.
After lunch, they headed to his car ready to begin the journey to school. At first, both were quiet until they were far from people.
“Antoinette, how are your studies?”
“Quiet tough, sir, but I’ll manage.”
“That’s good. Keep up the spirit.”
“Thank you.”
“What subjects are you finding difficult?”
“Mathematics and Chemistry”
“Oh, really!!!”
“Yes.”
“Well, I can help you with those subjects.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Don’t call me sir,” he said, “I’m just helping.”
“Thank you si…”
“I said don’t call me sir.”
“I’m sorry.”
Then awkward silence.
When they arrived at school, it was well an hour before the deadline. There were few students here and there. Some were carrying heavy luggage as others had simple bags. The girls headed to the teachers on duty who checked on their bags allowing others to pass as some were detained. Antoinette alighted from her teacher’s car without her heavy luggage and headed to the queue. As soon as she was cleared, Mr. Kariuki called her.
“After evening preps, come and get your luggage.”
“Yes,”
On the first day, there was not much going on. As usual, most of the students and teachers had not reported. The present students could choose to either stay in class finishing their holiday homework or stay in their dormitory, provided they did not make noise.
Antoinette’s desk mate had not reported yet. She arranged her desk and went out of the class to get her luggage from Mr. Kariuki’s apartment.
“Welcome,” he said after she knocked the door.
“Thank you sir,” said Antoinette fearfully.
“Why are you tense?”
“It’s just that…”
Silence.
She entered the house though fearfully. In there were her desk mate, Alice and the head girl Sheila. On the table were soft drinks, and the room was dark lit with a smooth music playing in the background. As she made herself comfortable, Mr. Kariuki’s colleagues, Mr. Rono and Mr. Agoya appeared from the bedroom. They looked at Antoinette, suspiciously.
“I’m sure you know who these are?” asked Mr. Kariuki.
“Ye-e-e…”stammered Antoinette as she stared at her colleagues.
“It’s alright,” assured Alice.
“Don’t worry.”
Antoinette was unsure of what she was seeing. She wanted to scream or run away, but something kept on urging her to stay on.
After a few moments, Alice and Sheila went to separate bedrooms together with Mr. Kariuki’s colleagues. Antoinette was left with Mr. Kariuki.
“I hope you’re not scared.”
“No sir”
“I told you not to call me sir,” joked Mr. Kariuki.
“I’m sorry,” apologized Antoinette.
“It’s alright.”
The teacher started moving closer to her, rubbing his hands against her thighs. Antoinette did not do anything. She just kept quiet. As this was happening, she heard an eerie laughter coming from the bedrooms. She become tense.
“Why do you look scared?” he asked.
She remained silent.
The teacher started undressing her starting with her sweater, blouse and slowly to the skirt. At that moment, she shrieked.
“What is the problem?” he whispered.
She still kept quiet.
“Are you afraid?”
“No, I’m worried.”
“Of what?”
“My mother tells me no one should remove my clothes, especially a man.”
“No… This will be between you and me.”
“But teacher…” she called in weak voice.
“Don’t worry, Antoinette.”
Silence
In a moment of time, they both were half naked. The teacher led her to his bedroom. At first, she felt a lot of pain, cutting down through her body. She tried to cry out without any luck. It was an experience she was not ready to undergo, but it had already taken place. That was the first time, in her life that she had been in close contact with a man.
Early in the morning, the three girls left for their class, before the rest of the students reported. In her mind, Antoinette was confused and full of thoughts. He did not know what happened; neither could she say what was happening in her. Everything was not making sense at all. The day was gloomy.
In contrast, Alice and Sheila seemed to look happy, maybe they were already used…..
* * * * *
The family love in Penina and Paulos house started fading away. Paulos was always attending to church meetings, while Penina was in never unending women conventions. The children were left on their own. Soon the trust in the house, disintegrated into fights, between Paulos and Penina. Each accused the other of being the problem in the house. Paulos could not tolerate being subordinated by a woman. From verbal abuse, it turned to physical abuse. Penina’s charm was no more. She became a withdrawn isolated woman, never attending to the women conventions as she did.
Paulos on the other hand, found a new company – at Wakonyo’s where his missionary work began, now ended.
* * * * *
The previous evening started up as usual – quarrels which had become the trademark in the family, went on as usual. This seemed just like the norm, but it was more than meets the eye. Paulos had passed near Wakonyo’s carousal den and headed home drunk. He had been doing so for the last couple of years, that whenever he was sober, he looked abnormal; he would be quiet but once he became inebriated, then all hell broke loose.
“Open the door woman,” he started as he continuously banged on the door. You’ve no right to close (hic) this door.”
Although the children have been used to such, this one looked gloomy. Penina noticed the unease of her children and assured them all will be alright.
She stood up and headed for the door. No sooner had she turned the knob than Paulos flung open the door slapping her five month pregnant wife.
“I told you this is my house… and you’ve no business closing the door on me,” said a charged Paulos. “Or who are you hiding here, eh?”
Antoinette’s mother picked herself up and apologized amidst sobs.
“I’m sorry… we feared for our safety…”
“Listen, if you don’t want to stay here, you can as well pack and leave me you woman…” he added, “I don’t want to hear of your apologies…” a charged Paulos said.
* * * * *
For 24 years that she had been married, Penina was used to such a nasty life; she withdrew herself as a punching bag. At first, she thought it was going to pass on easily. Little did she know that that would be the beginning of the longest battle in her entire life.
Did she really have a choice? Or maybe fate had already decided how her life would be like.
* * * * *
Annette knew too well the torture and pain her mother had undergone. As the first born child of Paulos and Penina, there was not even a single moment her mother ever smiled, even when it was obvious. Her mother’s face registered sadness, pity and regret. At times she would think of her mother and cry yet there was nothing she could do to change situation……
Although she was almost completing her secondary education, she could not tell her mother she had aborted twice, and was already pregnant, because no one would listen to her…..
I stare, with tears down my cheeks, at the photos we took, awhile back, after a weekend of emotional duel.
The murderous weekend, was the most greatest compliment of life, coupled with endless love from the heart.
I have no regrets about the events, before and after, nor about what failed to achieve, when the sun shone.
Love can never be a straight line. It never is. When you try to make it straight, it’s bent, even to the most experienced.
I’m trying to think of how I can make the past, a booming present amidst the hopelessness of today.
If God is for me, who am I to be against myself.
She stood at his door akimbo. Her head was heavy. All that she wanted were answers to her unending questions… questions that lingered into her mind for the longest time possible.
For the last few days, David was too preoccupied. He was too busy for her. Everytime she wanted to talk, he feigned to be committed. He promised her that once everything settled down, she would be invited for a meeting.
Fiona was a plump and diminutive woman. Her physical features made her develop low self-esteem. She thought that people disregarded her because she wasn’t as tall as others. Many a time, Fiona would sit alone or even walk home alone. She hated parties or any place where crowds formed.
________
David left her without a word, after a bitter exchange of words. He accused her of unfaithfulness and being inconsiderate. On a number of occasions, they would get physically that one would think they would be going separate ways, only for the two to appear holding hands like overgrown children. When they say “never interfere with two lovers”, David and Fiona matched the saying. Fiona loved David so much that she did not understand why he behaved so casually. In the previous occasions, he would only leave for a moment and return almost immediately. However, this was not so. He had been away for over two weeks now. His number was off.
____
“David is the best man for me”, Fiona was heard jealously telling her peers, one day. “He’s my angel, my prince and king”, she added.
Her friends were always amused by the way Fiona made it an every day anthem. Most of her friends were in either short-term relationships or were already a cul-de-sac. She did not think that her love life would come to an end at one time. David was indeed the perfect man, for her, so she thought.
____
Life is never a straight line. It has ups and downs. And if the challenges are more than the positive aspects, life will be full of guilt, pain, emotional dissatisfaction and bile. Any discontent that creeps in a relationship should be dealt with before it escalates to the unforgiving extremes.
Partners should communicate with each other, when they notice something is not moving well. Proper communication means that the hidden unforseen flames can be dealt with on time. Talking about everything in an open and honest way, is not a sign of cowardice, but brevity of the heart.
_____
David had long lost interest in Fiona. He disliked the way she was so much obsessed with him. She was always in all his ways. Her presence, even where she wasn’t wanted, made David very uncomfortable. He had once expressed his frustrations with her, but that worsened things up. She was almost omnipresent in David’s life that he saw their love being mechanical, technically. Because she failed to change, David opted to ignore her, and at times telling her that he was out of town, in order to avoid her. Her insistence to always know his whereabouts denied his freedom to relate with his pals.
“This is not love,” he quipped to himself, “but poison. My idea of love was to give each other freedom to be, as well as respect opinion. I feel betrayed.”
______
Fiona still stood at his door. She had knocked it for the last one hour and no one responded. Her heart was heavy with bitterness, anger and spite. She felt hatred mixed with confusion towards David, yet she still loved him. In all the times and days they have known each other, she was not expecting that David would treat her in this way. She stood up stared at his door the last time, and climbed up the grill, shouting David’s name, as she hit the ground
When the sun rises in the morning,
It brings the light of hope,
And the joy of the heart.
At times it looks very dark,
But never will the sunlight fade.
You will be hurt, bruised, injured,
But still need to hold on, hopefully,
That the dawn of the day,
Will be the dawn of the heart
Which will last after earthly sojourn.
It’s never ever too late for a hopeful heart
